Its been a month since I wrote anything on here. The hope being that the internet and I have forgotten about the hardcore disappointment of crashing and burning since then.It’s been a month of lurking in the shadows, licking my wounds (basically my ego took a beating) and wondering how best to salvage the situation or, you know, move on from it.
The truth is I’ve been at a loss for action and a serious dose of self shaming that renders me totally paralysed. the “You’re a fraud” voice has been so loud recently, more than before. It isn’t drowned out by cake and pizza, trust me, I tried. I also realized how quickly, how easily I can fall into the trap of what-is-the-point, of negativity, of fatalistic thinking (oh my god, this sucks, I am ruined FOREVER. That kinda nonsense). And I remember all the times people have told me its not possible to be positive/optimistic in life.
Ummmmm. No, its not easy, but its possible. I love how Brad Yates keeps bringing up walking whenever he talks of failing or reprogramming our fear voice. We didn’t just get up one day, as babies, and start walking, right off the bat. “I’ve had enough of this crawling business, it’s walking time! Haha, world, look how awesome I am.” No, it was more like 3 majillion failures – falling over, not being able to stand, falling down, getting up, falling down. It was a process, one that may be hard to watch as adults, but completely necessary. As babies we didn’t give up, “This walking deal, I didn’t get it on the first try. It’s just not meant for me”. Au contrare, we laughed, tried again and again and AGAIIIIIIN! Till we nailed it one day, then the next and the next, so on and so forth. and Nowwwwwww look at you! We are bosses at it! it’s a skill set you’ve acquired that is such a fundamental and integral part of you. Its second nature even. No one can take away that knowledge, of HOW to walk away from you, no matter what. Even though you’re asleep or vegging out on the couch, even though you aren’t actually walking, you still know how to. That never changes.
KEEP TRYING! GET UP and do it again. Start afresh again today. Don’t push it away till tomorrow. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, feeling incomplete or unfulfilled on a particular aspect, and even though I can’t crush that project right then and there, I can put some systems in place at that moment that will help me take it forward tomorrow. That intention, backed by action always helps me to keep my worry-wart mind in check.
Don’t give up. We need you to try again. You need yourself to try again. Letting go of the feeling of having failed, putting on our rhinosaurus-like thick skinned armour, facing the world with that knowledge, that I am giving it my best and the best is yet to come.