Its my own fault. I had to go and jinx it, didn’t I? Even heroes can fall….
I have a whole set of backlogged drafts about days 20-30 or whatever. But I couldn’t honestly put them up. I can’t write and preach about how going vegan and vegetarian is so good for you when I haven’t kept my own end of the bargain.
Even Heroes can fall…so who am I to expect differently. Except I did want it to go differently. ‘Oh wow! this is so easy’, I said. ‘I am going to knock this out of the park’, I said. I’m prepared, I thought. Without having any kind of plans in place for how to deal with roadblocks when they came up. And roadblocks do come up. They always do! I thought I had a plan. My plan was to wing it. It wasn’t even cockiness. It was just Ostrich syndrome. We’ll handle it when we get there. Ummm, Not quite what happened! I don’t work well in those circumstances. In the moment, in the middle of a “situation” is when I have the least power, the least resources and maximum chances of crash-and-burn.
I am so tired of being the serial quitter. Starting and abandoning projects ENDLESSLY. Since as long as I can remember. Waiting for things to go perfectly, before watching them go South, further South and finally jumping overboard and totally abandoning ship!
Yikes! Me: 0, serial Quitting 1000!
I want to say I overloaded myself. Tried to bite off more than I could chew. Instead of picking ONE thng to do for a 100 days, I chose 5 (or more) and went about it pretty callously. Does this mean I don’t want to do it anymore? Am I going to quit now because I gave in to coffee, sugar, bread and what-not? Logically, I want to curl up in bed and cry endlessly about my failure. I want to cocoon myself in a blanket and come out next month, when enough time has passed so that I don’t have to show my face to the world, don’t have to deal with the aftermath of failing. I don’t want the people who supported me, to now go away thinking, “Oh well, just another girl crying Wolf. Tsk tsk tsk”
Because I find it easy enough to be disappointed in myself. I don’t need it from others. Yet, all I can remember about making mistakes or trying something new and failing is just that. Projections, disappointment and fear. They will take away their love, their approval. I need to be successful to keep their love. To be of value. To earn love.. Classic overachiever mindset. And this is why when the odds were tipped against me, I would retreat and refuse to take a chance. I would rather suffer than change. Till, of course, the pain was too great to bear. Then I came out, all ablaze and fought tooth and nail for my happiness. Until such time, I was happy being accepted by whatever ragtag of souls I thought I had managed to accumulate, in subpar situations, with my energy being siphoned away in an attmpt to be okay with how it is and not push too much. Don’t rock the boat!
Louise Hay insists we don’t love ourselves enough. When I started on this journey, I agreed with her. Intellectually, that is. My brain felt like “Yes, m’dear, that is infact the truth she speaketh. Wise one, she!”. I know now, from the bottom of my soul, that wiser words will not find me. Not until I apply these first. Till I don’t find my own love, my own joy, my own approval, nothing will be different. Nothing will change.
I hope you have had better experiences at failing, and if you have, please share them (send me a love note, an email, a text, comment, vibes, hugs). They don’t even need to be about how rosy it all turned out in the end, how the absolute fucked-up-shit of a situation turned around and became awesome. I believe we need to hear more and more about how its okay to attempt things. How its okay to suck at stuff right off the bat. Yes, child geniuses and top notch athletes exist and they are a beacon of hope to us all. But today, what I need to hear is how its okay to not have your shit together. Do you need to hear it to? In that case a wrote letter. For you and for me.
Dear Sweet Angel,
Its okay! It’s okay that you lost your grip on the situation. It’s okay that you pushed yourself. It’s okay that you tried something new. AND it’s okay that it didn’t pan out. It’s okay that you felt like running away, that you couldn’t handle it. It’s okay that you stayed in bed and that you felt tired, lost control and gave up… You aren’t superhuman. But that’s not to say you aren’t SUPER.
Do you know how wonderful it is to try something new? Even though it totally sucks in this moment as you feel everything is coming crashing down on you. Your emotions. Your expectations. Your own judgement. Do you have any idea the ways in which this “failure” has opened you up? How it has LIFTED you up? Closer to Source. Closer to Infinite Wisdom. Listen in and listen carefully. This is where you get your answers.
Wrap yourself in your blanket. Stay in bed as long as you like. Cry, scream, let it out. And don’t for a second buy into the fact that you’re making TOO BIG a deal about this. Pain is pain, learning is learning. The greater the pain, the more steadfast the learning. Please, please, plase, sweet darling, allow yourself to feel your pain. And accept whatever it’s trying to teach you. You don’t even need to know what it is yet. You just need to open up wide. Stretch your arms and embrace the Truth.
Know that you will suck at things, you will bomb some days and soar on others. You will feel like shit and carry on anyway. You will binge on your drug of choice. And you will also rise. Rise Higher. Rise Stronger. Rise and RISE! Keep going, love. The best is yet to come…
With your highest good in mind and knowing it will all be perfect always,
Your Wiser Self