I slipped. I slipped HARD! I did the one thing I said I wouldn’t do. Are you sitting down?
I drank the coffee! Let me explain. Once I was finished with my own big gasps, I could find the ability to write this. And boy is it hard. I am aware this may not be a big deal to you, but humour me.
My will power has been questionable as far as I can remember. And the only real way to get from Point A to Point B in the self development and Spiritual world is to stay consistent. Determined. Persevere, irrespective. To do something, one thing that has nothing to do with instant gratification- over and over and over again, till it’s such a part of you, it starts to take over as your normal state of being and functioning. Kinda like commuting to work on auto pilot. It just happens.
Naturally, I’m still looking for the instant gratification. Which brings me back to this point. I made the coffee: a thick, milky, sweet mug of (so called) delicious comfort. I made it from scratch, poured it into the mug and put it to my lips. I could have stopped at any of those times. But I didn’t. I chose to drink it. I made the choice. We all have the choice.
I understand that harping about the War between Good and Evil sounds a little dramatic right now, but this “Little” sign of weakness is the sort of Evil I know I need to uproot from the trenches of my mind. THe trenches are deep for a reason. The geography of that particular side is built to make you fail. Your mind, the part of you that screams “Danger Danger” doesn’t want you to leave the Comfort Zone by doing something new (aka Dangerous). The comfort zone exists to make me feel safe, but what I’m protecting myself from also lies in that very same comfort zone. My biggest obstacle to any success, of any kind of any merit is my own self (self with an ‘s’-ego, mind, brain chatter; not to be confused with Self with an ‘S’- the Soul Self, Wiser Self, Inner Wisdom, the Juicy Goodness). The limitations I put on myself determine how much success I am allowed to have. And nobody else can change this. All me!
Welcome to self sabotage 101. In case any of you reading this are unfamiliar with this particular phenomenon, don’t be afraid or disheartened. Like any wild animal roaming free, with love, time and the right tools, this tendency to destroy our own progress can also be tamed.
For example. After the first three sips of the coffee, I realized, it wasn’t doing what it was supposed to . It wasn’t making me feel better and reenergized. It wasn’t making my cold like symptoms run away. It was making me feel heavy, full and bloated. but just a tad. I also knew if I let the mug sit there this time, I’d come back for more and the habit would be back just like that. I noticed what I was looking for was not to be found in this mug.
So what do I do now? I was wracked with guilt. I’ve barely begun and already failed.I thought of getting decaf coffee and making a declaration that I would include decaf into my diet, because who was I hurting? Except, all I wanted was the sugar it gave me. I wanted the high.I wanted to drink that cup and magically feel better again. This is how inextricably our feelings and emotions are tied together with food! It’s crazy!!
So I drank the damn thing. And I ate chocolate. Lots of it. And I observed. I observed how I felt before, during and after eating it. I observed what parts of me egged me on to eat it and what made me feel totally gross. I noticed how instantly I felt heavy, tired, bloated and gassy. It was instantaneous. And now its recorded. I think the sugar made me feel more ill than I was feeling before.
And then I spent the rest of the day in bed.